Consume Me My Lord

Lord, I have a very materialistic fear
Pride moves within me
At times, I refused to go up to the mountain
But rather be contented with the world

I dream on a project
But fear put it down

Father, Fire that never dies
Burn all my inequities
Melt my anxieties with the tenderness of your love
Absorb my whole being
Set my heart ablaze
Consume my soul and purify me

Today, as you wish, I take off my sandals
I will step on the holy ground and bare all my insecurities
Tomorrow, I will set off for my mission
Make the place holy as you are holy
Allow the holy mission to become a part of me

You are Providence
Let your superabundance be overflowing
I will never be able to do my best
Without your milk and honey

Consume me, absorb me
Transform me, refashion me
Make my mission holy
For today, I will prepare the way
For you to pass through the roads of the earth again.
Amen.

Yahweh Knows Me

"Yahweh,You know me…" (Psalm 138/139)

I entered into this psalm, which is always a message of self-awareness. I wrote this after an instruction during our retreat.

Yahweh, you know me. God knows me! I felt that line very much! Amazing and overwhelming realization! Everything of me is known by God. Nothing is hidden in my life without Him knowing. It is amazing to realize this though! God of course, has created me in His own image and likeness; therefore, He called me for a partnership. He called me into a relationship. He has taken that initiative of our closeness. My being a Comboni Missionary is not just my own desire. God desired that one for me, that I may follow Him in a special way.

I was also filled with awe; I sat down silently, realizing that God is interested in my being Raul, not anybody else. Therefore, I should not live in pretensions, but to admire and to be grateful of my uniqueness. Being that child of God, I should be aware too of His parental guidance, because He searches for me, looks after me. I am that child Raul, who is forgiven, loved and has grown up in a relationship. Therefore, my life should always be a life of self-giving and self-donation.

I looked back in the past, in my journey up to now, so many feelings of pains, failures and tears. I realized that somehow, even in a supportive and loving family, I am a wounded being, but I share with the wounds of the world; and at times, I don’t have time to look after of my own. Now is the moment, the time for prayer and silence, to open my wounds and to allow the Lord to attend to them and heal them.

In the same way, there were also a lot of chances in my life that I have missed. There were privileges that would have been mine, but since I did not take them into deep consideration, they just slipped away, not aware of their goodness to me.

Now, I am claiming them back. In my prayers, I have to own them as if they happened in my life. God is there to help me. It is God’s purpose that I am alive, so that I may work out what I have missed in my life. Such was God’s purpose. He takes pleasure in me, despite of my brokenness and littleness.

I am that little David, hidden probably, yet God searched for me; and when He found me, He held me tight so that I may not slip away. He hedged me round with His loving arms. Therefore, I thank the Lord for what I am. He is the actor of the journey, and He is acting through me.

Greatest Surprise

In one part of my retreat, I sat down on the ground feeling the touch of nature. Meditating the directions today, I wrote this reflection.

God is interested in me! This line really gives me some kind of excitement. I must be very dear to Him, He bothers Himself about me! God created heaven and earth. He puts His finger on them. God spent most of His time for man (Raul) and crowned him with glory, honor and beauty. Isn’t it very surprising?

Frankly speaking, as I write in my journals, I am always writing my surprises for many things. My soul is that of great honor. His glory is for me. Why? Who am I? What have I done that He has made me less that like Him?

I am astonished, amazed of this great favor given to my soul. It is unbelievable, but it is there. I trust and put aside my disbelief. Something is happening in my life, something miraculous is going on in my life, and only the Lord knows what. I just feel that everything is happening with special reasons.

I am like Mary, upon annunciation from the angel Gabriel, asked in great awe: How could this be? Yet, she believes. God is continuously creating and refashioning my whole being, even in moments of dryness and difficulties. Even in moments of complete darkness and I seemed like staying in the dungeon.

Everyday in my life is Sabbath. Everyday is God’s day! Like God, I have to work, I have to attend to my people; to go to small Christian communities, to visit the outstations, to celebrate the Eucharist and perform ministries with generosity. But like God, I have to rest. I have to put things down into His care.

At the end of the day, when I sit down, I always have to see my day’s events; to be with Him and make some inventories, to have that perspective once again, to be grateful for the countless blessings. I am a mere human being, one day I will vanish, but I want to go back to Him and face Him, and for Him to tell me that I did well, and that I remained a happy and cheerful missionary.

Poor Worm of Jacob

One evening, I sat down and read some passages in the breviary for the whole advent. I came across this line and it strongly hit me. I sat with these verse and meditated, so that, I have this crazy thoughts in my prayers. I just want this to be shared with you, so that you will become crazy too in understanding my thoughts. Hope you find it meaningful.

JACOB’S POOR WORM (Is 41:13-20)

“I the Lord your God (Raul), I am holding you by the right hand. I tell you (Raul), do not be afraid for I will help you. Do not be afraid, poor worm of Jacob, (you Raul) puny mite, do not be afraid. The Holy One of Israel is your redeemer.”

I felt strongly the impact of these lines, the assurance of God’s help. Oh Raul, the poor worm! This is the image I always see in myself, when I joined the postulancy, the novitiate, the scholasticate and my first months in the mission here in Africa. A poor worm! - A description of a struggling worm looking for a security in a cocoon. There was a part in my life when everything was new and strange, that I felt myself completely like a worm, trying to crawl on a branch for security, so that I could hide myself in the cocoon.

What is a worm? It is a useless creature in the sight of man. Often, when we see one, we crush it with a stone or a stick. It is horrible, it looks so disgusting, and it is feared, dirty in our eyes. Yet the Lord is calling my soul a poor worm, nothing but unworthy puny mite, a useless tick. A worm is nothing but unworthy. I have seen my soul in that way, to be hidden little by little until it is forgotten.

One day, the poor unworthy worm, after its hiding has come to its right moment. After its long sleep, rest, crying, trials and difficulties, was actually gaining its strength and momentum. The time has come; he has been refined, fully furnished after staying in darkness and solitude. It tore down the opening of the cocoon, peeping outside, inhaling its first scent of freedom. One leg after the other, the head, the body, struggling to come out, and suddenly, it flapped its wings. He is now a beautiful caterpillar with colorful wings that delighted his mind and heart, and delighted other caterpillars too. The soul of this caterpillar found its new sense of fulfillment. It wasted no time, it went straight to the leaves and flowers, seeking for moist and nectar, for it was thirsty and hungry. Then it hopped from flower to flower. He has realized his meaning and mission.

Jacob’s poor worm has turned into a new creation. Transformation took place while he was in darkness. The soul of the poor worm went into the ‘rite of passage’, like the Lord who entered into darkness for three days, the baptism in the water, submerged into the deep; He submerged Himself into His own blood. There was a real transformation of Jacob’s worm, like Jesus, he became a dazzling caterpillar flapping fine wings like beautifully weaved and painted creature, ‘winged for holiness’. As Jesus spoke with Elijah and Moses, the caterpillar moved with his God and spoke with Him in silence.

I thought that this is the best reflection and comparison I could give to my poor soul, the poor worm of Jacob, the colorful caterpillar of the Lord.

One day, the caterpillar will face its end, we don’t know when and how, probably in the warm heart of Africa, or in the hidden place or in the coldness of Europe or in the hotness of Asia. One thing is sure, he started as a worm, sleeping in the cocoon, tomorrow, and he will be in deep slumber in the heart of the Lord.