Judas

I have never condemned Judas. When I was a novice, when I reflected his betrayal, I understood that he was an instrument used by Lucifer to spread the acts of deceit and greediness. The devil entered the heart of Judas so that he was changed completely, from goodness to deceit and betrayal.

I always remember in my prayer that first of all, he was chosen to be one of the greatest twelve disciples of Jesus, which for me, could mean that he possessed a certain ability that attracted Jesus, perhaps, cunning and smart. The sad thing is that he was overpowered by the power of evil and was blinded by his material desires and lure of money.

Indeed, he was a scandal, and that scandal is ever present in the Church up to the present moment. There is always the hunger for wealth and material satisfaction, even to us Religious, who vowed for a life of poverty and simple lifestyle. But today, the Church is also ever aware of this great weakness and we all struggled if not to overcome it, at least to weaken its power over people.

I have my own sinfulness too, perhaps, disgracing in the eyes of the Lord. I have desires and wants, the tendency for comfort and affection; and the sensual desires, to hold things dearly only for myself. But being aware of them all, I feel such strength also to face them, no matter how I struggle. All my sinfulness leads me, if not to my own conversion, at least to an understanding of my physical, moral and spiritual responsibilities. I thank the Lord that in the past, I failed and was tempted to sin, or else, I would not be able to recognize them at all. Passing through all my sinfulness, I gained insights and my experience of sin brought me back to my senses.

God simply took me out from comforts, from people, family and friends. God led my soul into the desert and presented to me who I was and what were my greatest and least failures. He made Himself into a ‘mirror’ so that I could see the evils within me. I saw hatred, anger, desires, senses, fleshly ambitions, wealth, fame, honour and all that I ever desired for satisfaction. He made Himself a ‘desert’ for my soul to wonder and to question: “How could I get out from all of these and be free?”

Yes, I was an imprisoned soul but set free. My soul obtained such a freedom after I betrayed the Lord. Perhaps, He intended the evil to tempt and to use me, but he also granted my soul such a deep spiritual understanding, that the evil was afraid many times of my gaze.


I am a sinner, but a forgiven one.

I betrayed but I repented- a forgiven one.