God Of Silence

It has been a real silence, and for a time, I was completely detached from any form of communication aside from my mobile phone, which I used once I am outside the house. Letters and internet were put on hold because I was so very busy in the past weeks. The last two months were really draining, but I was full of joy and enthusiasm all the time. We were doing our ‘masika masses’- (mass offering the first harvest) in the villages. I was always out sleeping in houses of people, who, in their poverty, had provided me so much attention and care. I could truly say I was flooded with love. In the midst of this joy and happiness, I was trying to cope up with my struggles of hardships and the demands in my work, the emotional struggles and the physical and spiritual aridity. The Lord has tested my soul so much. Yet at the end of everything, I still feel His presence in spite of his seemingly absence.

Last week, we had the Deanery Youth Rally. Since I am the Deanery chaplain, everything was on my shoulder, even on little things. I had to call emergency meetings when there were conflicts, when money just didn’t work out as planned, the programs, the three day lessons, talks on HIV-AIDS, ball games and many others. I was drained, sleepless nights everyday. There were a lot of competitions, Bible quiz, preaching, drama, comical skit, choir, rumba, reggae, traditional dances, all ball games and more. I was very impressed of the youth in my parish, they won most of the competitions, for more than thirty, and we lost only three. Our candidates even won for the search of Mr. & Ms. Kalichero Youth Deanery’. It was a big highlight. Though I was terribly exhausted, all my efforts were very much rewarded.

This week is another busy week as we are preparing for the feast of our parish. I painted all the bricks, walls and tree with lime so that they look beautiful. Some women have to prepare the stage, church and traditional drinks. I have to see to it that dormitories are okay and that we could accommodate the whole parish. The radio station will come to record our activities on air. Heat is starting after a month of little winter. Heat is my best friend! (Joke only) I would like to complain but only God can answer my complains. I would rather behave as if this is my lot, that the heat is always a part of my missionary struggle. I hope it will be a good occasion for people, as I also prepare some for vocations. Being the reference point for vocation promotion in my zone, I have to inject some of these things in our activities.

One day last week, I was so exhausted that I went to the big church and sat silently before the huge image of the Holy Cross. My soul was communicating with God in a way that was very meaningful. I feel that of a little voice in the desert, like a little pearl hidden in the jungle, a soul who continues to face the struggles and demands of giving one’s self for the mission. I am that little worm. Then I looked back my life since I have arrived here in Africa until I went home for holiday and came back again for the second term. My mission is vast, it is very demanding, and it requires dedication, strength and hidden power drawn from the life of obedience. I realized that even in my moments of silence and personal prayers, I struggle to give answers on God’s purposes for me. What I know is that I am sent and my soul willingly obeyed to the dreams of God. God is a great dreamer, and He invited my soul to be a part in that dream.

Many times, I faltered, dropped on the ground like a dead log. But as I listened to my soul’s cries, there was an inner voice inviting me to go on and to have courage because what I am doing is not to please myself, but Him who sent me. If I don’t have that understanding, probably I am a lost soul by now, confused and aimless. God has gifted my soul a heart to understand, but also to see and listen. I am struggling with people, at times, with my community. Being a superior is causing me a lot of pains and emotional bleeding. My only source of refuge is silence, and silence and silence…. I need to listen to my heart in prayer all the time. I physically struggle, backache and headache, muscle pains, stomach upset and the scourging heat of the sun is draining. Yet, at the end of the day, my soul keeps that realization: “Life is beautiful after all.” I carry with me my motto since I was a postulant: “bloom where you are planted.” This is in fact, my soul’s greatest consolation- to rest, to seek for strength, to appreciate the warm embrace of the sun or the cold kiss of the wind. I am that plant! My soul is that little plant, uprooted and replanted, uprooted and replanted. It is a process of pain but of great renewal. One thing I have realized, evangelization through presence is more than enough to draw souls closer to the Lord. I may not be able to see the fruits of my little labor, the next generation will do the harvesting. I am a mere sower of the seeds.

My soul played with all my imagination of winged creatures, as I love to contemplate them, especially when they are flying. I saw myself in that aspect. That my soul, in spite of my sinfulness, is winged for holiness, that I could actually focus spiritually and soar up high like an eagle, free and even do free falling with wings wide open. If I have to count the many events of my life where I was fully tested, where tears were my answers, where silence was my only consolation, I actually surmounted them all because my soul was focused on Him. These are gifts; my soul is winged to understand the goodness of God. For many times, I allowed my soul to be empty, when I wanted something, I deprived myself as a discipline, when I was close to something or to somebody, and I kept my distance. Many times, I was tested here in the mission, where there are so much limitations. To have something new and better is always good, but I simply live in simplicity of my lifestyle, according to what resources I could afford. The lifestyle of people in the villages is more of a mirror to my soul.

In the mission, you are bombarded by complains and people asking favors. At times, no time at all to rest! In silence, I always sit empty handed spiritually, no word at times, just allowing my soul to sink into His bosom. That image of the crucified Christ always gives me hope. At times, it is in the image of the cross that I could see my own ‘spiritual crucifixion.’ Exhausted, tired and emotionally drained, spiritually barren, to whom shall I go for rest? I need spiritual and emotional rest before I could enjoy physical rest. When a soul is at rest and at peace, you could even sleep peacefully with Him. I understand now what St. Therese of the Child Jesus was saying ‘sleeping with God.’ If the doctor puts us into deep sleep before operation, the Lord puts our soul into rest so that He could always work out for some spiritual repairs. Few things are still in my mind, but these things are freely flowing, so excuse me of the scattered thoughts. My soul is still trying to understand how they could be expressed.

I keep you in my hearts and prayers.